Wednesday 16th April (part 2)

Hello again blog, you must be thinking you’re very special today with 2 posts!!

Ok, let’s talk through today at work because I’m stuck in traffic on the bus! First of all let’s have a moan about the poor bus service provided… The bus info screen has been lying to me for the last 40 minutes, telling me that a bus will be here in 5 minutes…4…3..2… 7minutes…6…5… And so on. If I’d have known it would have taken so long I’d have tried to do something to distract myself, I guess counting down the minutes and making bets with myself over what time the bus will actually show up, doesn’t count!

The bus is so packed out, it’s awful! There are currently 7 people stood up and we’re only 5 minutes (on a non-traffic trip) into our journey. I have however, just noticed a TOTAL hottie!! His name is Ricky, tall, blonde, suit, sunglasses, I’m melting and it’s not because of the sun!!!

I’ve heard there’s ridiculous traffic further along my journey, I’m dreading it! It’s rush hour too so traffic is bad enough as it is.

At least the sun is still shining, I think that does something happy to my head!!

Again, I realise I’m rambling on but my anxiety is bad this afternoon. OH but, I did manage to go to the shop before work and get a refund on the clothes I’d bought, I’m proud of myself there! Nearly didn’t do it but I powered through!! Yay me!!!

I tried to spray my hair green whilst at work today but it didn’t really work… Considering I have bleach blonde hair, the product must just be rubbish!!! I want to dye my hair either a light mint green or a candy floss pink, but my hair is in such awful condition from bleach and hair extensions that I can’t afford to ruin it anymore at the moment. For a girl who isn’t exactly ugly, has long blonde extensions, long eyelash extensions, and acrylic nail extensions, I really don’t appear to be someone who suffers anxiety. Just proof it can happen to anyone.

I do wonder why me though. I’m such a nice person, I compliment random people in the street, give food to homeless people, and animal cruelty is the thing that upsets me most in this world. Why is it me suffering when there are so many evil people in this world?

Nearly home now, I’ll leave you alone for now bloggy, but I have work again tomorrow so I will probably speak to you then. Enjoy your evening <3

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Wednesday 16th April (part 1)

Dear blog,

What’s up! I’m just on the bus to work (as per usual) I’m feeling very positive today. I’ve had a bit of IBS this morning but I’ve got my positive head on and I know I can do this!!

I think I’m in trouble at work though so not looking forward to that so much. I phoned in sick on Sunday, my IBS was so bad, either that or I got food poisoning from the stir fry I made on Saturday night, although my mother didn’t have any problems so I’m guessing it was just me. That’s 6 days sick in just over a month, oops!!

It’s not like I’m not trying though, I’m still trying different herbal remedies for anxiety, but I’m thinking now that maybe I should try something for IBS instead. I’m moving back to Spain in 3 weeks for the summer, I need to get this sorted before then. My doctor told me to go to group therapy, I think I’m going to have to go back to her and get some tablets, I need something, otherwise the 26 hour coach journey is going to slowly kill me.

If I were staying in the uk I’d give group therapy a shot, but as it stands I’ve not got the time.

It’s not as if I’m not trying to get over this. I’ve been trying to get out every day and do something, which regularly only consists of cycling to my local shop, which does only take me a 20 minute round trip but at least it’s something. I find cycling really helps though, I think it’s being in control of a situation which makes me feel better, which is why I hate getting the bus.

If I get a lift from my family I’m fine. When I got a lift home from my manager’s partner I suffered, I really felt like I was going to be sick, but because I don’t know him, I didn’t feel I could ask him to pull over, it was an awful journey.

So I’m noticing many different aspects which could be the cause of it all. Now I just have to try process of elimination to work out which one it is.

I’m running out of things to talk about but I’m not at my destination yet so I’m just going to keep typing rubbish until I get there to distract me!!!

I have some clothes to return, so I’ve got an earlier bus to force myself to stop in on my way to work. I know I can do it, I just have to trust myself. I went shopping with my mum the other day. But again, I was in control so it was fine, I still felt a bit anxious though but I made it through! So I can do this!

Nearly at my bus stop…

This is the part where it gets a bit easier, every stop is near a bar, cafe, or restaurant. So if I absolutely have to go to the toilet I’m sure I’ll be able to find one in time.

It’s beautiful weather today as well, it’s been gorgeous for the past 3 days, it makes me feel better when it’s sunny because it reminds me of Spain, a time when I was so happy and had no issues with anxiety. Although I guess working 6 days a week and being constantly occupied is a great way to dismiss your inner deamons!

Anyway, I’m here now, but seeing as I’ll be getting the bus home later, I’m sure this won’t be the last you hear from me today!!!

Thank you distraction ❤️

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Thursday 10th April

Hi blog,

My anxiety is awful today ibs is playing up awfully. It was all going really well, my manager left me on my own for an hour and I was absolutely fine, I’d had a really good day. I was really happy. But now I’m on the bus home and I’m really struggling so today’s post may be a very long distraction post!!

Last night I went to the theatre. A friend of mine from when I was at school told me he was in a play and I went to see it. It was brilliant. It was ‘Hair’ I’d never heard of it before, but the second everyone came out on stage dressed as hippies and began singing ‘Aquarius’ I knew I’d love it! There were many songs that I was familiar with which was especially good as I had no idea what was actually going on!! The only problem was I felt very conscious of my anxiety and spent so long looking forward to the interval so I could go to the loo! When the break came I was fine and felt no need to relieve myself, until I saw the huge que for the toilet, and of 11course off goes my anxiety and all of a sudden I’m bursting again!

Act two came around and the talent continued, the cast were fabulous. The energy electric. And I needed to pee!! Of course I didn’t actually need to but that’s the beauty of ibs!! So the cast continued their marvellous acting, singing and dancing until the final number. They took their final bows and in my head I plotted a quick escape to use the toilets before heading home, but my thoughts were cut short as the cast entered the audience.

I sat there in my aisle side seat regretting my seating option as a gorgeous hippie made his way over to me with his arms opened out towards me, I tried to refuse, but he pulled me from my seat and on to stage to dance with the cast, and as if by miracle, my anxiety disappeared. I was where I was meant to be!

I will explain.

I’ve always loved the performing arts and along with watching many performances as I grew up, I also participated in my local amateur dramatic group’s performances twice a year, gained every qualification I could through school, and at the age of 16 signed on to an agency. My agency were amazing at getting me background work. Casualty was my favourite and most regular job. I’ve been fake injured many times. The cast of the show were always lovely, we were told not to bother the cast but I often found myself to be the recipient of their conversation. It made the job so enjoyable and I’m pretty sure was one of the reasons I was called back to work there so often. I played so many roles, school children, rioting teens, drug addicts, patients, bullies, the list is endless. I even got to blow up an ambulance once and threaten the main cast with a sugar glass bottle!!

Then I was given a walk on role, a role with lines a real character name, and credits in the show! It was the best week of my life! I played a bully, who was so violent and abusive to a poor girl that in the end, through self defence, she stabbed me with garden shears! It was brilliant walking around with a huge hedge trimmer sticking out from my stomach! The main cast thought it was one of the more hilarious extravagant stories they’d seen on the show and all insisted they had their picture taken with me! I was in my element, it was the job I loved with such welcoming people. Sadly it didn’t amount to anything more, maybe one day it will.

Every time I go to the theatre I feel enlightened and jealous at the same time that it’s not me on that stage. True talent is rare, I especially love tap dancers, such control and precise movement, ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ is my ultimate favourite musical!!

Anyway, I’m nearly home!! Thank you for the distraction blog, you’ve been amazing!

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Sunday 6th April

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but it’s because every time I’ve travelled recently I’ve had someone I know with me which has been a good distraction from my anxiety.

Today I’m getting the bus to work and I’m on my own and my blog will be helping distract me on my journey today, especially as my stomach has been playing up murder this morning!

I managed to run out of my house rather than thinking about leaving I just kind of went for it which I think helped, not getting myself worked up about leaving my safety zone.

I had a late work night on Thursday, I worked until 4am and my managers husband gave me a lift home, I was trying so hard not to be sick. I found it quite strange as I’ve never felt sick through anxiety, maybe it was due to the energy drink I’d had to keep me awake at work. I managed to control it with heavy breathing, poor man must have wondered what the hell was wrong with me! But seeing as it was the first time I’d met him I wasn’t about to tell him all about my life problems!!

Today I’m going to push my anxiety. Sunday buses in my area are a pain. They only run every hour. I have to be in work for 12, but the buses either arrive at 11:10 or 12:10 and seeing as I’ve been late so many times because of my anxiety, I’ve gone with the 11:10. This means I’ll have 50 minutes until I have to be in work, so I’m going to go shopping. I have some stuff I have to return, because due to anxiety I’d rather buy clothes and try them at home than spend hours in a changing room! So we will see how that goes, I figured a Sunday won’t be too busy, saying that the bus is quite packed. Problem is that in primark there’s only one till to do returns on, so if it’s busy I’m in trouble!

I’m nearly at my bus stop, I’m finding writing this blog to really help distract me.

One last thing, I’m going back to Spain in less than a month to work. It’s a 26 hour coach journey, I’m dreading it! But I’m hoping being in Spain will help solve my anxiety, it’s my second home and my favourite place. Fingers crossed!!

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Saturday 29th March

Hey anyone,

I have decided to start an anonymous blog following the problems I’m having with anxiety. It’s not particularly for people to read, it’s more for myself. To chart my progress through this mess and to try to solve the problem.

I’ll start at the beginning…

I’ve always been a very confident person. I’ve done a lot of tv work and travelled to work through Europe, so am used to meeting new people.
My anxiety started a few months ago, it was very mild at first, barely noticeable, and maybe that’s why it’s developed so much, because I wasn’t sure what I was dealing with.

People suffer many forms of anxiety, being somewhere unfamiliar, being around crowds of people, I suffer from not being in control of the situation.

Some people have panic attacks, some can’t leave the house, mine is slightly more embarrassing. If I am out and about I constantly feel the need to use the toilet. One of the worst times for me is getting the bus to work, as it is uncertain when I’ll next be able to reach a loo!! And I don’t in fact need to go!

So that’s the basic outline. Now some little bits… So I’m currently only working part time so spend a lot of time at home, maybe that’s a part of it too. I’ve tried herbal remedies, Kalms and Bach lozenges, neither are working particularly so far. But strangely I’ve found listening
to certain music helps, particularly the Chicago musical soundtrack!

So that’s all so far. I’ll keep you posted x

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